The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
