No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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