god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
