It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
