He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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