and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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