Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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