just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
