I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
