dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
