what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
