btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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