i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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