You can't special order awesome
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
