I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
