yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize