I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
