I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
