About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
What a dumb baby whore.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
