Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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