I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
