when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
