my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
