I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
