I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize