Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
is that a dick in a sweater?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
