Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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