who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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