is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
