i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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