i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
