i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
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