you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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