i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
