I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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