I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
did i just pee glitter
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
