your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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