Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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