I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
