Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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