K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
