He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
