You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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