she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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