Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
