dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
