I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
