the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
