I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
