Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
