i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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