I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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