I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
