He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
