Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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