ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
