I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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