We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
The air was thick with penises
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
