According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize