The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
