Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My cat gives me a boner
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
