i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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