she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
