i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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