Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
