I wish I could teleport
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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