I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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