i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
