While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
