What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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