apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
