you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize