I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
